Why Are You Punishing Yourself?

Self-flagellation is pointless. It is an irrational anger towards yourself, a way of treating yourself with contempt every time you feel shame or a lack of control or every time you feel failed or rejected by someone else. It is useless and unhealthy.

Self-flagellation involves self-harm, insulting yourself, isolating yourself, and feeling unworthy of other people. But this doesn’t solve anything.

You may know that, but still; you don’t know how to stop punishing yourself, how to escape the destructive cycle of self-attack, and focus on a pattern of constructive behavior.

Why is it so hard to stop punishing yourself?

Self-flagellation is so persistent because it is a defense against the pain of life. And life is full of pain.

We all have a strong need to connect with others, to be accepted, to achieve success and recognition, but we are faced with the reality that  sometimes other people reject us, cheat on us and put their own needs before ours. The people we love suffer and die and our dreams don’t always come true.

When we feel that pain, we accumulate a lot of energy because we are willing to do something about it. This energy can be experienced internally in the form of anger or rage. This motivates us to find inner peace and overcome the pain; it forces us to leave and come back to do what we want or need to do.

However, when we are repeatedly put down, ignored, unappreciated or attacked for trying to meet our needs, the urge to punish ourselves can appear. The same can happen if we neglect the search for peace as a way to overcome the pain. This causes the person in question to feel insecure or useless and to take that anger and rage and use it against himself. At that point, he begins to think that he is the cause of the problem. The guilt makes him feel the urge to punish himself.

Why is self-flagellation pointless?

Sometimes we attack ourselves and think that the pain will solve the problem. But these punishments don’t solve anything, they just leave you depressed and isolated. You get so used to attacking yourself that you start to feel like it’s a part of who you are.

This anger towards yourself can gnaw at you inside and distract you from being present and involved in your life. Your relationships, your connections with yourself and others, will confirm the need to punish yourself in a continuous cycle that becomes increasingly difficult to stop.

How can you free yourself from self-flagellation?

For starters , you need to recognize that self-flagellation can be deeply ingrained in your behavior. You may even feel the need to punish yourself even more when you discover how deeply it has penetrated your pain. But this shouldn’t stop you. You have to be honest with yourself, let everything come up.

You have to concentrate, outside of your self-esteem. If you were able to find self-love and acceptance, you wouldn’t have gotten to this point, but you have to start somewhere. Creating positive feelings about yourself is very important to improve your well-being.

More than just the urge to punish yourself  , you need to ask for help to take your pain away. You need a way to direct your anger. If you can’t do it alone, find someone who will support and guide you.

You should also experience the encouraging sense of calm as a first step in learning how to relax when you feel the need to get angry at yourself.

Finally , it is important that you learn to feel compassion for others in pain and to appreciate human needs. Only then will you be able to feel sorry for yourself and appreciate yourself.

In time we will discover that we have the capacity for recovery, to manage the pain of life and to identify and go after what we need. We will boldly free ourselves from self-flagellation and direct our energies toward the world.