When Love Turns Into Dependence

The word ‘dependence’ refers to certain conditions, boundaries or restrictions imposed by our environment. For example, in order to live we depend on eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing, and so on.

In this sense, we are talking about absolute needs, without which no one could survive. It is especially reasonable and helpful to recognize that you need and depend on certain things in order to survive.

On the other hand, we have relative needs that we don’t depend on because they’re just preferences that make life a little bit better. Without these things we can go on with life normally.

For example, if I want to drive a nail into the wall, it would be strange to say that I absolutely need a hammer for this, because I could also use something else, such as a heavy rock, for example. The hammer is a relative need, although it is better than the stone because of course it is more comfortable.

Once you understand this difference, it can easily be applied to the field of psychology, especially love. We mistakenly believe that we need love in order to be happy or to survive, but although studies have been conducted in this area, none of these studies have concluded that the participants’ happiness or lack thereof was due to whether or not they have love in their lives.

If you think you need love in your life, and even worse, the love of one person in particular, you will eventually become dependent on that person. As if your life couldn’t go on normally if this person isn’t by your side. Dependence binds you to a chain.

You need that person, just as you need water to hydrate and survive, although that need simply exists only in your mind.

How do you know if it’s love or dependence?

There are certain clues that can help you realize that you’ve fallen into the clutches of emotional dependence:

You allow the other person to treat you badly

You idealize the other person so much that you are convinced that you are in love with him or her, and that with this person “everything is worth it”, no matter that he never respects you, that he wants to change you, and so forth. Deep down you know this will never happen and you will suffer for it, but you are terribly afraid of standing up for yourself or breaking up. You would rather endure the unbearable.

You get scared when the other person isn’t with you

Because you see the person as a necessity, you are afraid if he or she is not with you all the time because that would mean that you could lose him or that you cannot see where he is and what he is doing. It is as if you cannot find water to drink and die of thirst; you are just as scared, but the difference is that water is a real need.

It feels like life has no meaning without him

You get scared at the thought of a future without that person. You think you wouldn’t be happy without him, you wouldn’t be able to enjoy anything, you’d be alone forever, and so on. All these extremely unrealistic thoughts are the product of the belief that you need love in order to function. But dependence is not the answer.

You haven’t been yourself since the relationship started

You no longer participate in activities and/or make plans, and you no longer even meet up with your friends. Now you prefer to do the things your partner likes to do, and you’ve immersed yourself in things you never thought would interest you. In short, you are not the authentic person you were before. Instead, you’ve grown attached to your partner, and deep down, this makes you feel empty.

Some strategies to stop being so dependent

If you’ve identified with any of the above paragraphs and want to get out of the prison you’ve locked yourself in, you’ll have to face your fear of being alone. Realize that the key to ending this dependency is already in your pocket; you just have to use it!

• Change your hyper-romantic thoughts. Romance is beautiful and fun in regular doses, as long as you can master it. But if things get out of hand, you may start to have wrong thoughts such as ‘without you I’m worth nothing’, ‘without you I would die’, ‘your absence hurts me’ and so on. These ideas, instilled by our culture, do nothing but make you fear the constant threat of loss.
• You do not belong to your partner and he does not belong to you. Although we say things like ‘my friend’, ‘my partner’, ‘my husband’, that ‘my’ is just a communicative tool. In reality that person is free, he is not your property. He came into your life because he wanted to, and he can leave whenever he wants, whether you like it or not. Therefore, you need to detach yourself and understand that although he is your partner now and you share your life with this person in a way, he may one day be just another person in the world, and you will be without him too. to survive.

• Revise your beliefs. Why do you need that love? What do you do with that love? Why do you want it? Does it give you satisfaction and happiness, or does it go beyond that? Where is it written that you need a partner to be happy?
• Change your behavior. Once you have let go of those unrealistic thoughts and beliefs, it is important to apply this in your behavior. Stop controlling your partner and stop making unnecessary statements.

Enjoy their company, but also your own company, both with others and alone. Do what you love to do and not what you have to do because you have a partner. If your partner accepts the new changes, that’s great. If not, then leave! That person isn’t worth you, and you don’t need him or her. You don’t have to rely on anyone else to be happy.