When Children “break Up” With Their Parents

When children “break up” with their parents, the parents don’t always understand why. Obviously no one is perfect. There are parents who, without a doubt, do not deserve the love of their children.

However, there are also children who make the choice to move on for no reason at all. They take some distance and leave a painful silence in a confused and devastated family.

This is undoubtedly a complicated issue. There is still insufficient data on the number of families with parents and children who distance themselves from each other. However, it is worth pointing out that this is one of the most common problems in clinical practice. Being a mother or father or son or daughter is hard.

On the other hand, there is also another factor that is important to highlight. In folk literature we often find the image of a toxic mother, of authoritarian parents and of dysfunctional families who raise their children to be unhappy. It is a reality that no one can hide. Often it happens right under our noses.

However, there is one aspect that people don’t talk about much. There are children who stop contacting their parents overnight.

In addition, there are also adult children who affect their families with their negative and exhausting behavior. In some cases, there may be an underlying psychological disorder. However, it is not likely that 100% of these problems are related to such a problem.

Why do children break up with their parents?

In order to understand why children “break up” with their parents, you have to keep in mind that the situation often depends on the social and cultural context.

For example, if you compare the Anglo-Saxon model with the Japanese one, you will see how the cultural family values ​​are very different in both cases. So context definitely plays a role. However, the personality and internal dynamics within each household is even more important.

In that sense, certain studies point to something very interesting. An example of this is the research of Doctors Glenn Deane, Glenna Spitze and others that was published in  The Journals of Gerontology. 

The reason why children “break up” with their parents is not always due to just one factor. There are no consistent predictive indications. After all, sometimes things like the child’s partner or sibling relationships come into play.

However, there are two clear and distinct facts. The first fact is that the distance between parent and child is a result of a complex bond with each other. And the second issue has to do with the personality of the children or the circumstances in which they live.

A problematic upbringing and environment

Think about why children “break up” with their parents. There are the effects of an upbringing characterized by indifference, humiliation, criticism, authoritarian attitudes or lack of support.

When parents talk to their adult children to understand why they are distant, they can discover the following reasons:

• For the children it is clear that the parents (or at least one of them) have not fulfilled their role in the family.
• They carry traumatic wounds that make reconciliation impossible. So taking some distance helps them to heal.
• There is a clear difference between their own values ​​and those of their parents. This reason is actually not strong enough to completely cut them off from their parents. When the parents do not respect their children’s lifestyle or ideas and punish or criticize them, the children may decide to take a more drastic measure.

Children who do not love their parents; the silence of misunderstanding

Some children simply make the decision to stop talking to their parents. This silence can worry and confuse the parents.

However, this decision was not made overnight. Often there is a long history of problems that makes such a decision the easiest and the usual way out. Let’s dissect the reason behind this decision.

• Personality type. Some people with problematic behaviors decide to break up with their parents completely. However, data shows that the distance is mostly temporary.
• Psychological problems or addiction. Sometimes children decide to leave the house or to stop communicating with their parents. This is then the result of the use of certain substances or of psychological disorders.

• Holding a grudge. Financial instability, sibling problems, conflicts and misunderstandings, or a lack of support can lead to unavoidable distance between family members.
• Romantic relationships. This is without a doubt another element to consider. When they start a relationship, they will naturally distance themselves a bit from their family. In fact, it is more common in interdependent relationships where one person controls and isolates the other in order to take away the emotional support.

What can you do when children “break up” with their parents?

There are many reasons why children “break up” with their parents. Every reality is unique. Every family has exceptions and idiosyncrasies. There are even cases where distance is necessary for certain people (especially when being together becomes a traumatic experience).

However, experts recommend communicating in all cases. If children need to establish a certain distance from their own family, then they should explain the reasoning behind their decision. It helps to find solutions and come to an agreement. Plus, professional help can be just what the family needs.

On the other hand, experts often tell parents with problem children to be patient. In most cases, the children will contact you again.