What’s Really Behind The Tension In A Relationship?

We have an idealized conception of love. Many of us also use self-help books. They claim that we can lead a stress-free life. This has made it more difficult to love someone. In the past, one thing was better: the way we handled the tension in a relationship. At least couples didn’t see it as something exceptional back then. They accepted it as normal.

Today things are very different. It seems like we think there shouldn’t be any problems if the love is real. We see the tension in a relationship as a huge red flag, proof that something is wrong.

Now we don’t seem to accept the fact that two people can hurt each other when they are in love. But one does not exclude the other. Actually it is the opposite. Most of our relationships are far from our ideal. But they can still be strong and long lasting.

There is nothing new about starting a relationship. It’s actually more like we’re re-introducing the guidelines we bring from the past. It’s the unfinished love story you’ve been writing since the moment you were born. All the failed or amazing loves that are no longer there are in this story. You never step completely pristine, like a blank canvas, into a new relationship.

The roots of tension in a relationship

A decline in romantic expectations is the first thing that leads to tension in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean the other person was trying to trick you. What eventually comes crashing down, at least in part, is that pack of dreams and goals you usually start a new relationship with. That’s even more true when you feel like you’re with the “love of your life.”

It is completely normal to idealize the other person. This is only part of the whole package of psychological processes that start when you fall in love. Some people do it more than others. But there is always at least some of this feeling in every situation.

And it is also normal for there to be a succession of minor disappointments. You realize that the puzzle is actually missing some pieces. You didn’t think so in the beginning. But this person really bores you sometimes. There are even times when they really annoy you. And maybe they’re more ordinary than they seemed at first.

This will be the beginning of the end for many new couples. For others, it’s just a phase. Real interest remains. The same goes for compatibility. It means that the affection is stronger than the disillusionment.

The tension in a relationship does not have to be more than a roadblock. If a person decides to be dramatic about it, they will collide with their expectations and with reality.

After a while everything falls into place

The decline in romantic expectations is just the beginning. Two people can be very smart and realistic. But when they become a couple, certain things (ideas, thoughts, behaviors, emotions, etc.) are no longer in the right place. In any stable relationship, there are many times when both partners ask themselves if they were completely mistaken in choosing a partner.

That’s how love is: contradictory. Tension in a relationship is the rule, not the exception to the rule. And there is no relationship that is as full of differences as a romantic relationship.

You can easily forgive a child or a friend for a mistake. But when it comes to a partner, you can explode completely. All passions, including anger, are just part of the normal routine.

Every couple designs secret rules without realizing it. One will be strong and the other will hide under its wings. Or one will be understanding and the other demanding. It’s also possible that one person is angry enough for both of them and the other calms things down.

The partnership is not based on affection alone. It also relies on strong psychological mechanisms that are mostly unconscious. So when one person disobeys these unwritten rules, the tension in a relationship surfaces.

Some people don’t accept that true love just is. They don’t want to reject the fantasy of a perfectly balanced relationship that brings together perfection with the idea of ​​a love with a capital L.

But they also don’t want to reject the love that balances out their flaws. It is the kind of love where there is no tension in the relationship. For there is only constant happiness and “they lived happily ever after”. It’s the kind of love that doesn’t need forgiveness. But they will never find it because it just doesn’t exist.