The Positive Side Of Loneliness

When we were still in school, we often used phrases like ‘I passed the test’ or ‘The teacher gave me a fail’. Often enough, we were unable to admit the cost of our decisions, so we used external factors as an excuse. The correct thing to say would be ‘I decided not to learn’ or ‘I’d rather do something else’. Usually at that age, however, we are afraid that ‘the group’, all the people around us, will not accept us. We are afraid of being alone or lonely.

The freedom to be yourself is based on two things. First, you must avoid explanations and excuses, and second, you must be willing to accept the consequences of your actions. However, it is not so easy to be free, free from the fear of having to be liked by everyone. Free from the need to adapt to what others want from you. Free from the need to do what society and the people around you expect of you.

The freedom that the western world is trying to defend and that many other countries envy. However, there is also a much more subtle form of freedom: the freedom to make choices within the margins we have, within what really scares us. This means that we have to accept the risks associated with the person we are and the choices we make.

Freedom and the acceptance of others

In our contemporary society, our behavior and even the way we dress, comb our hair, talk, etc., is conditioned by the need to be accepted by others. In this case, it is also not the intention to completely break all the rules and just do what we want. What matters is that we are able to find the right balance between our personal freedom and our respect for others. The paradox of this, however, is that no one is likely to ever truly accept us unless we are first able to accept ourselves.

For example, many recent studies indicate that nowadays we do everything we can to show ourselves from our best side on social media. We do this almost solely to gain recognition from others.

We post things that we think others will like. And we just don’t post things that we think will be less popular. The same goes for our offline lives:  we only show those parts of ourselves that we think others will like.

In addition, some studies show that the part of the brain that is activated when we receive  a reward is also activated when we receive recognition from others, so we see this recognition as a reward or a pleasant experience. Getting recognition from others is nice, but we shouldn’t allow this recognition to be the driving force behind our lives. The driving force behind our own lives should be our own preferences and desires.

The positives and negatives of loneliness

Some anthropological studies claim that this need for recognition and confirmation was developed thousands of years ago. In prehistoric times, our chances of survival depended on our place within a particular group. No one could survive alone in such an environment, which has led us to associate freedom with loneliness. For example:  if the group does not accept me, then I will be free, but then I will also be alone.

The journal Perspectives on Psychological Science released a survey last year that showed how loneliness can affect a person’s quality of life. This survey analyzed seventy previous studies, conducted between 1980 and 2014. These studies examined the influence that loneliness, social isolation and going through life alone can have on a person’s lifespan. The average participant was around 66 years old and almost a third of all participants suffered from some type of chronic condition.

This survey showed that social isolation can be associated with an earlier death. By social isolation we mean having no or very few social contacts or never participating in social activities. People who belong to this group are therefore twenty-nine percent more likely to die prematurely.

However, loneliness, when we talk about those periods when we need time alone to reflect and learn more about ourselves, has a very different meaning in people’s lives. The need for recognition can make us feel like we are alone. However, accepting ourselves and learning from our mistakes and virtues will give us the opportunity to get to know the person we really are.