Rebecca Syndrome: Jealous Of Your Partner’s Ex
Does your blood boil when you think of your current partner’s old flame? Do you think that his/her previous relationship was actually not healthy, but it still bothers you when someone says something about it? Do you compare yourself to your current partner’s exes? Within psychology this is described as the ‘Rebecca syndrome’. Why?
Rebecca is a novel written in 1938 by Daphne du Maurier. The story is about a woman who is married to a widower. Everything is absolutely wonderful, until suddenly the ghost of Rebecca, the deceased woman, appears. This ghost is constantly trying to talk to the man in order to persuade him to leave his current wife. The ghost is not only terrifying, but also makes the man feel insecure about starting a new family, causing new conflicts.
Rebecca tells her former husband, Maxim, that his new wife will never be good enough. That everyone talks about her behind her back, that nobody likes her and that she’s not good enough for him etc. This book was very popular at the time it was released and even got on the radio thanks to the genius Orson Welles and was made into a movie by the great Alfred Hitchcock.
The Rebecca Syndrome
Based on this novel, psychologists describe people who suffer from ‘Rebecca syndrome’ as people who are pathologically jealous of their current partner’s ex-partners. Just like in the book, jealousy is a ghost that plagues them when confronted with a memory of their current partner’s ex.
This may sound a little strange or difficult to understand, but it is much more common than you might think. When someone suffers from Rebecca syndrome, he tries to find out everything about his partner’s ex, with the intention of finding out something negative. When this is the case, the relationship is not two people, but three people sharing the same bed.
This poses a major problem for the development and functionality of the torque. Unjustified jealousy can affect a person’s normal behavior. In this case, not only does the envious one suffer from his own jealousy, but also the envious one suffers from it.
How to overcome jealousy
First of all, it is important to learn to live with this spirit. Accept the fact that your partner has had previous romantic relationships. Second, it is important to recognize that jealousy is a clear sign of insecurity and that it is a response to a perceived threat, which may or may not be real.
Jealousy can also arise when people see other people as their property. Anything that can cause the attention of the person considered property to be drawn to something else, be it a person, object, animal, or task, feels like an attack. In the special case of an ex, you should remember that the history your partner has with him/her is part of the past. You also have your own past.
It is virtually impossible never to compare ourselves to others. We all do it all the time. We look at a photo of our partner’s ex and think to ourselves: ‘Look how ugly she is’, ‘She could change her dress style’, or just the opposite: ‘Look how beautiful she is’, ‘She is so elegant’. In case we suffer from pathological jealousy, then it does not matter at all what the person in the photo looks like. We will then always regard that person as a threat and will react negatively to this.
If you think you may be suffering from Rebecca Syndrome yourself, if you can’t get your partner’s ex out of your mind, then it’s time to do something to improve your confidence and self-esteem. It doesn’t matter how important this person was to your current partner. Remember that it is in the past and therefore it should not come between the two of you now.
The only thing that will get you with such an attitude is that you will put your relationship on the line. Try not to compare yourself to your partner’s ex(s), because you will only hurt yourself with this. There will always be things you are better or worse at than him/her. So don’t drive yourself crazy about this.
