Manipulation Is Not Love

When we say things like ‘if you’re not jealous, it’s not real love’, ‘if he really loved me, he wouldn’t feel the need to spend time with others’, or ‘love means guessing to what the other person wants and needs’, we are eventually faced with unfair and degrading situations in order to maintain a romantic bond that is usually not sincere.

Love, like almost everything in life, is learned. And sometimes we learn it the wrong way. The romantic and imaginary idea of ​​love that is popular today does not help interpersonal relationships. The values ​​that can be found in a healthy love relationship are the exact opposite of the values ​​of passionate, all-or-nothing love.

Love is one of the most powerful feelings in the world and each person adds to it their own personal characteristics, as well as ideas that are not always entirely true. The vast majority of relationship problems stem from our tendency to place very unrealistic romantic demands on the relationship itself or our partner. These distorted ideas of passionate love can jeopardize the relationship, even when the partners are actually very good together.

Characteristics of manipulation

Manipulation occurs when one person exerts control over another’s behavior. To do this, persuasion techniques are used to take away or condition the judgment of the other person. You could describe mental manipulation as a certain form of selfishness.

Manipulators will often shamelessly use their partners,  with the narcissistic goal of gaining more power or getting what they want. They may also use lies, temptation, or even coercion in the form of threats or force to destabilize the victim. Manipulative people create situations to steer other people in a direction that is beneficial to them. If they’re really good at it, the manipulated person won’t even realize they’re being played with.

The people who most often fall into the trap of manipulation are those who have very low self-esteem  and who feel guilty or inferior. External factors that can influence the effectiveness of manipulation include the loss of a loved one, a breakup, a divorce and the loss of a job.

How to recognize a manipulator

Knowing how to spot a manipulator will save you a lot of frustration in your daily life. If your partner can’t accept ‘no’ for an answer and you notice that he doesn’t react the way he normally would – or if he loses control completely – when you resist his attempts to convince you, this is a sign that he can’t stand not being able to exert influence over you.

People who manipulate their  partners  love to show their power and courage and are rarely shy. They tend to blame others when they don’t get something they want. They don’t care about what they can offer or how they can help others. Instead, they are constantly focused on themselves and the word “reciprocity” doesn’t seem to be in their dictionary.

They always talk about themselves and if they ever ask how you are or if you need anything, they don’t seem very interested. You will also find that if you give in to them, not only will they not thank you, but they will end up wanting more and more. These people are often very insecure, but they try to present themselves as the exact opposite and use a self-centered and domineering attitude to disguise these fears.

The first step to correcting a manipulative situation is to become aware that you are being manipulated. Realizing that you are being manipulated by someone you love, to the point where you become their puppet, can create a lot of emotional turmoil.

There are several ways you could solve this problem. One option would be to end the relationship if it is impossible to change your partner’s behavior. Another option is to teach the other person how to ask something in a direct way, rather than trying to push through your sentence indirectly. Interestingly enough, people who crave control often seem unable to even control themselves.

Images Courtesy of Catrin Welz-Stein