Cut Ties With A Family Member

If you no longer speak to a family member, there are undoubtedly reasons to justify your decision. We don’t make these kinds of decisions lightly. It can also leave you on a difficult path. There can be several reasons for breaking ties with a family member.

It can be related to frictions, existing disagreements, open emotional wounds and a lack of willingness to change. Experts in family dynamics say this kind of alienation is a response to some of the most painful situations a human being can experience.

That doesn’t mean people give up when they decide to cut off communication with a family member. On the contrary, setting boundaries can be a relief. The real pain comes from a past experience. It is the same experience that is the reason for the decision to break the tires.

Society tends to condemn these kinds of decisions in a very harsh way. The people who choose not to communicate with their relatives are immediately labeled “bad”.

Often there is a total lack of empathy. No one pauses to ask themselves what behavior or what circumstances can justify an important decision like this.

It’s also important to note that even if you decide to cut ties, it can’t be the end of your suffering. To really deal with a difficult and painful past, you may need the help of a therapist.

Breaking ties with a family member is a difficult decision

Usually you cut ties with a family member when you feel like you’ve reached your limit. Your relationship has broken down. There is a negativity that permeates every contact. The relationship feels toxic.

Making a final decision is an important moment. However, it does not exist in a vacuum. The problems that provoke this decision started a long time ago.

We would like to emphasize once again that this is not an easy decision. Usually people don’t take them lightly either. In fact, it’s so difficult that today there are organizations dedicated to supporting people who have become estranged from their families.

In 2015, the Center for Family Research at the University of Cambridge published a study on alienation. The aim was to gain a better understanding of a topic that is so common but somewhat taboo in our society.

The study was titled  Hidden Voices: Family Estrangement in Adulthood. The research showed, among other things, that when people break ties with one or more family members, this arouses anger in the rest of the family.

In addition, it is sometimes irrelevant whether there is a clear justification for the decision (such as abuse or mistreatment). Not everyone respects these kinds of decisions. Not everyone feels empathy for the experiences of others.

Being estranged from your family is emotionally painful and complicated

Family estrangement usually affects people aged 18 to 60. Some wait until they are officially adults to make the decision. Others need more time to break the bond.

Sometimes people hesitate out of fear, indecision, or social pressure. From the time you are little, society teaches you that it is wrong to distance yourself from your family.

Yet the number of people estranged from their families continues to rise. Experts in family psychology such as Joshua Coleman argue that this is a “tacit reality” that requires more research and awareness.

When you stop talking to a family member, you experience a complex amount of emotions that you cannot speak so easily about. The problems and suffering that led to your decision are still there. You probably don’t know how to deal with it either.

Many people feel ashamed. They are ashamed that they do not have a “good” family. They are ashamed of not being able to rely on their relatives when they need support and love.

In addition, they feel bad because they are not sure that they have made the right decision and because they are criticized by the other family members. The stigma of being estranged from your family and social isolation are also important factors to consider.

Is cutting ties with a family member the right decision?

We’ve said it before. The decision to stop speaking to a family member is not a decision to be taken lightly. Nor is it the result of a teenage whim or tantrum.

Usually there is something deeper that has been breeding for a long time. It could be abuse, contempt, lack of support, feeling invisible, lack of affection, or anything else that ultimately leads you to make this drastic decision.

Everyone leads their life in their own unique way and has different experiences. Some people have never experienced what we have mentioned before. Others experience it every day. Yet it is clear that an unresolved conflict provokes the alienation.

If you want to avoid breaking ties with your family, try to approach the problem in a particular way. Appreciate and acknowledge everyone’s complaints. Make room for positive change.

When distance is the only way

If that’s impossible, then distance is the right answer. To make this process as easy as possible, we give you the following recommendations:

• Decide how often you will see each other. Instead of immediately making the decision never to see this person again, try to meet every two weeks or once a month. Also think about how long the visits will last.

• Choose the most pleasant form of communication. What works best for both of you? Visiting each other at home? Meetings in a restaurant? Phone calls, messages… ?
• Evaluate the process as you go along. After a few months, see how things are going. Is once a month enough? Or two visits a year? Or maybe you should stop the communication completely? There is no correct answer. It depends on individual circumstances.

Decision

Breaking ties with a family member doesn’t always mean the problem is over. Sometimes there are a lot of loose ends and experiences that leave a bad taste in your mouth.

If you stop communicating with a toxic family member and you still feel bad, it may be beneficial to make an appointment to see a psychologist.