Come Here Fear, I’m Waiting For You
We often see fear as something we don’t want. We use phrases like ‘fear is weakness’, ‘fear can drive you crazy’, ‘if I’m anxious, others will notice and think badly of me’, etc. Because of this, we do everything we can to avoid the feeling and, as with any avoidance strategy, we eventually get the well-known “rebound effect,” which means we become even more anxious than we already were.
Everything normally starts with a problematic situation in our life that poses a threat. Interpreting it in this way triggers a whole host of physiological mechanisms to flee from or fight the threat. This is the well-known fight-or-flight response.
The problem is that this primary problem is almost always accompanied by a secondary problem: being anxious makes us anxious. It is as if we are afraid of our own fear, which traps us in a vicious circle from which it is difficult to escape.
Why are we afraid of our fears?
All unfounded fears arise from the well-known irrational beliefs. We have instilled and internalized these exaggerated and seemingly absolute truths throughout our lives.
But that doesn’t make the fear of fear any less. We have been told that ‘we must be strong’, ‘fear can be dangerous and can drive you crazy’, ‘ smart and strong people don’t become anxious’, ‘being anxious separates you from others’.
Anxiety has been conceptualized as something ‘dangerous’ and that is why we are afraid of being anxious. We could go crazy or even die, without friends, being imperfect…how awful!
Fortunately, these beliefs are not real. Fear is a basic and primary emotion that we all feel at some point in our lives and it is precisely because of fear that we have been able to survive as a species and as individuals. It helps us protect ourselves from real danger that could endanger our lives.
So, fear in itself is not bad, but it often turns us into a wild and uncontrolled demon. It doesn’t kill us, it saves our lives, and it doesn’t make us less strong or more vulnerable. Just the opposite: it makes us human.
embrace fear
If we want to be less anxious, the first step is not to want to be less anxious. It seems contradictory, but in psychology this paradox exists in countless situations.
When we maintain a demanding mind that wants to get what it wants at all costs, we are actually doing the very thing that pushes us even further away. This happens when we demand of ourselves not to be fearful. We do not tolerate an ounce of fear, which will eventually lead us to become even more anxious. We will feel that we have not lived up to our expectations, which were often unrealistic.
We need to change our demanding attitude to a more tolerant one. That means we have to accept that we are human and that many times in our lives we will feel fear, which is neither right nor wrong, it’s just part of it.
We must learn to stop thinking of fear as a terrible and unbearable emotion. It is true that its physiological symptoms can be very annoying and unpleasant, but it is also annoying and unpleasant on a hot summer day, or when you have the flu or a headache. Nobody likes a stomachache, sweating or when their heart rate is higher than normal, but all of this is actually quite bearable and not that serious. If we say it differently, these symptoms will increase much more.
The last point is the unconditional acceptance of yourself as an imperfect person. Being anxious means nothing more than being anxious. It does not mean that we are weak, or sick, or inferior to anyone. Those people you see who you think are emotionally strong have and will also feel fear in their lives.
So, look your fear in the eye, let it come to you, feel it, embrace it, tell it it’s a little heavy, but it’s okay. Only when you do this and really mean it will you be able to get rid of it.
